Konfessions of an EMO fucker

ok mad props to jenn and lance for the only ones able to figure out my game...

so i dont feel like a jerk running and hiding heres my new info..

my journal is... http://www.livejournal.com/users/maeyourluvbtrue/

my sn is... waittillthursday

theres the info do with it what u will..

so basically after seeing saw 2 put me in a mood to play a game so here we go..

first ones kinda easy..the full collapse..
second is a lil harder but yeah..the everglow..
there are the clues but it all depends....

heres a list of a bunch of names i considered when deciding to change my aim sn as well as starting a new journal. use my 2 clues and pick 2 names from the list.. each clue will relate to a diff name from the list below in one way or another..when u find a name it will either be my sn or my new journal so u will find out how to contact me threw one of the names...dont leave ur answers cause i wanna see who can find me..

...if u kno me it shouldnt be that hard but if u dont...goodbye!


Lastoftheemos
Myonetruelove
Lostinyoureyes
Thebeautyofsin
Hiphopanamous
Behindblueeyes
M_tothe_A_T
Waittillthursday
Myheartbled
Mybleedingheart
Guywithtattoos
Musicismylife
Shelovesmenot
Afraidofchange
Myscarsremindme
Chaosfactor
Myheartasawhole
Myheartasahole
Underyourspell
Ifyouonlyknew
Lovenotlust
Blindtotheworld
Theregoesmyhero
Piercemeclosed
Spill_My_heArT
Blackasurheart
Alifelesslived
Frommetoyou
Collapseonme
Colormeemo
Maeyourluvbtrue
Thricetimesover
Loveequalschaos
Daddyslildefect
Myheartinflames
Chaoslovesme
Emo_prince
Chaosisme
Irreplaceable
Emonomore
In_disbelief

so i just found it appropriate to write one last entry....

so i made the choice that u dint want to....and yeah...its the most upsetting thing i have to deal with, and see only 2 outcomes...1 being i will fade away and everything felt, experienced and said will just become lost or number 2 being....mistakes will be realized and feeling will stay present only to become stronger then ever...the end


p.s i never thought i would drive somewhere just to fight and come home the next day but some things were just worth it

so here we go...ive made the decision to end this here live journal. like i said earlier i dont really have a point for this..i only go on here to see what a couple of ppl have to say..im tired of jsut postin thoughts adn feelings when it jsut feels like a waste of time...now if ppl want to kno how i am or what im feeling they can talk to me..now if im feeling sad no one will have to kno..if im angry no one will have to read my rants...no one will kno IF im happy...it wont be spelled out there infront of u to read..

i may have the urge to bring the journal back or mayeb get one of my old ones or mayeb even start a new one eventually but for now.....fuck it...i guess ill just leave u with this last thing...good song..

bush - "glycerine"

Must be your skin I'm sinking in
must be for real cuz now I can feel
and I didn't mind
it's not my kind
not my time to wonder why
everything's gone white
and everything's gray
now you're here now you're away
I don't want this
remember that
I'll never forget where you're at
don't let the days go by

glycerine

I'm never alone
I'm alone all the time
are you at one
or do you lie
we live in a wheel
where everyone steals
but when we rise it's like strawberry fields

if I treated you bad
you bruise my face
couldn't love you more
you got a beautiful taste
don't let the days go by
could have been easier on you
I couldn't change though I wanted to
could have been easier by three
our old friend fear and you and me
glycerine [repeat]
don't let the days go by
glycerine

Bad moon white again
And she falls around me

I needed you more
when we wanted us less
I could not kiss just regress
it might just be
clear simple and plain
that's just fine
that's just one of my names
don't let the days go by
could've been easier on you
glycerine

im extremely tired...i stayd up late last night catching up on hw and i have for the most part. i didnt get a chance to study so fear i didnt do to well on my first test and no im waiting to take my next. ill go study when im done with this entry..

this weekend is a toss up...i dont wanna work but i wish i do so i dont have to make a choice and i can just be pissed at work instead of myself, but after today i may not need to make a choice. it could be made for me.

i cant think of anything worth sayin...anything i wanna say has been said..

ive expressed everything ive ever felt..everything is out there..i get what u tell me...

i think i may be done with lj....it dont do any good really so tonight willl prolly be my last entry cause ive this is my 3rd journal and each one has somany huge things in them that changed me adn explain how i am and its just..thought it would serve a purpose to have a public place to vent and share and now ive just lost that feeling..but yeah..well see

my stomach is upset and i cant seem to stop it. a bad type of anticipation surges threw my body...

i kno u care...that was never being questioned...

friday and sad sucked balls at work....i got a shitty review adn got pissed and everyone pissed at me..it was..crap..

sunday tried doign hw and got some done...felt like shit woke up not feeling good..finally saw waiting..it was good i liked it despite overly hairy adn scary women genitalia...

u say ur weekend sucked cause she wasnt there...aww poor baby big fuckin deal welcome to my every single fucking day..and its cause of u..stupid mother fucker..

so here i am again feeling like shit all over. imtryin to do hw and its going real slow..i got 4 tets in 2 days 3 of them being tomorrow one of those beign a midterm...i will most likely fail...

out of a dead sleep i wake in a panic...short of breath and everything blured....i look at my phone and see u..it was good..


i passed out at work only to hear a song and feel ur presence, ur touch, ur kiss...it...well yeah.

angry,left out,lonesome,tired,prolly,cranky,confused,cynical,sad,scared,sorry...

prolly should listen to me..or should u..or should i just not care....

yeah so work today was...eh it was work. on my break had a....ruff time and ended up sleeping in my car and then went back to work..was read to leave work at about 73o...yeah 9 hit adn i had my station cleaned up so i helped everyone else adn then jsut left...stupid ppl. yay for oduble number 2 tomorrow..

so i got home adn took a shower..it was nice..got on my comp only to see that i had a message on myspace. i read it and i can honestly say that it was the best thing i could have asked to recieve in quite awhile..the person i dont see much anymore and is innocent as can be..i care for them and what was said jsut meant the world...the person dont read my journal but i still want to thank them soo much. it meant the world..

its amazing what samall things u can remember..remember what u told me this song meant to u adn when it would come in handy???

I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
But she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change
And I've done all I can
To stand on the steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe its got nothing to do with me

(chorus)
Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too

Oh you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left with cleaning up the mess he made
So

(chorus)

Boys you can break
You find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without warmth
From a woman's good, good, heart.

On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the God and the weight of her world
So


.....i remember adn i heard it at work and it filled my head with u.....

cartel - "save us"

Simple words we never knew,
The power behind what they put us through,
Now it's all begun
What it takes to make it real.
We're standing on the edge of this,
When our soul is gone what will we miss?
We lost what it takes to really make it feel.

But the better days behind us now,
We all need someone to tell us how
To save the state of where we are,
Its keeps demanding more and more and more.

And who will save us?
This can't go on, without the meaning in the rhyming.
Can you save, can you save us?
I can't go on out of rhythm without time.

We hold this truth self evident,
The lies we used to represent
Who we are, because it was never meant to be.
And all the songs we used to sing, they used to tell us everything.
All about how it was never meant to be

But the better day’s behind us now.
We all need someone to tell us how
To save this state of where we are,
It keeps demanding more and more and more.

Who will save us?
This can't go on, without the meaning in the rhyming.
Can you save, can you save us?
I can't go on out of rhythm without time.

Say the words, give it all the time you need.
Let it out, oh, just say anything.
Say the words and make them count,
Say them loud without a doubt.
Give us truth and nothing more,
Leave us wanting more and more.

Can you save us?
This can't go on, without the meaning in the rhyming.
Can you say, that you'll you save us?
I can't go on, out of rhythm without timing.
Can you say, can you say, you'll save us?
I can't go on, without the meaning in the rhyming.
Can you say, that you'll save us.
Well I can't go on, out of rhythm without time.
We're out of rhythm without time.

so i forgot that i had to wash clothes for work and the rest of the week(end)...so yeah here i lay waiting...

i copied more new music onto my comp...that was fun..

theres some real shit on tv and dont kno y i watch it..

should i follow my heart or my head???

staind-"its been awhile"

And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I first saw you
And it's been awhile
Since I could stand on my own two feet again
And it's been awhile
Since I could call you

And everything I can't remember
As f**ked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means

And it's been awhile
Since I can say that I wasn't addicted
And it's been awhile
Since I can say I love myself as well
And it's been awhile
Since I've gone and f**ked things up just like I always do
And it's been awhile
But all that sh*t seems to disappear when I'm with you

And everything I can't remember
As f**ked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've gone and f**ked things up again

Why must I feel this way?
Just make this go away
Just one more peaceful day!

And it's been awhile
Since I could look at myself straight
And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry
And it's been awhile
Since I've seen the way the candle lights your face
And it's been awhile
But I can still remember just the way you taste

And everything I can't remember
As f**ked up as it all may seem to be I know it's me
I cannot blame this on my father
He did the best he could for me

And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry


thats a good cd...my fav of theirs by far..jsut emotion packed adn yeah...nice..dont kno y i put that there..i thought i had a reason at first but it may have changed idk but ill keep it there..

i lay here and i can sense my heart beat quicken..my breaths slow and deepen...y can i let so many things out yet keep so much in..its not good for me but it is for others...my everything hurts...

woke up early to take out trash and feel back asleep..

woke up at 1130 showered and went off to work for some training class...

got to the exit ramp for the mall and ran out of gas cause my gas guage said i has 1/4 tank..rolled to the gas station right there and had to push my car up the hill adn pay 169 for gas when i saw it for 137 earlier adn woulda got it if i knew i knew i needed it..

got to the mall and paid my phone bill and went into work..found out the class starts next week so basically ive got time to waste till 6 when my class starts...

i drive to school and fall asleep for a bit..

go to class adn get yelled at and like every wed night feel like its a waste of time cause the teacher sucks so very much...

get outa class finally adn walk out to my car where i find my battery dead...i ask ppl in the parking lot to help...no one will so i call the campus cops and 20min later i get my car started and head home..

im missing silveride and the nastys at the machine shop tonight which pisses me off even more! and cause of work ic ant go see thrice..this sucks...

my head hurts beyond belief and i have to work a lot the next few days...its not good...

im laying here still with thoughts and emotions that i fellasleep thinkin about last night..its not a good feeling and im sore...

only remotely good thing is my friend in my class may become a server at work if adam will hire her...doubt it but it would be nice to have someone at work again..

so i just felt like everything was closing in on me.. i felt small adn weak and scared..i jsut sank down and started shaking tears were about to burst...this feeling just esclated like whoa!....my head hurts and im cold..gnight

so here i am after class..home in my bed wher ei retreat every night and lay and wait till i blink and see the sunshine...

i feel fake...i kno and realize everything but its just sad..sad that im going along with it..sad that its happening to me..i was shaking the whole way home and id like to think it was because it was cold outside but i kno its not the truth....ive lost the truth adn dont think it will ever come back.

now i will lay here like i said and just think y...

yeah so needless to say im kinda tired. i stayed about till about.....6ish and work up for school at 745..so yeah..that is making for a fun day dont u think?...yeah next week i will have a midterm and 2 other tests as far as i kno so im not looking forward to that at all. im hoping i can do better then last time.

its sad that im looking forward to tomorrow...idk y..i gotta go to work for some training class early and then go to class later on adn be bored off my ass, but yet im still anxiuos for tomorrow...maybe its just being anxious for the weekend. i work doubles thursday friday sat adn possibly sunday so lets see thats like 48 hrs right there...overtime fun which will be good money considering i dont have any now..so maybe thats y im excited. maybe im excited to jsut work..ha i doubt it. maybe its cause ill have a slight chance to see ashley...that may jsut be it ;) but yeah i need ot be reading right now but soooooooooooooooo dont want to. i just wanna be lazy. my head and eyes hurt as well as my face is buggin me. having shaved all my facial hair off my face jsut feels bare and weird. its just like constantly tingling...i kinda jsut did it for shock value and now me and anton from work will look more alike which i think will be funny especially if we work next to one another. yeah and even tho i look like im a lil boy about 14yrs old its ok...isnt it? im hoping to see waiting this weekend finally...hoping..i kinda want ice cream right now but i want good ice cream and nowhere around here to get any...i cant wait to get home..i think its cause i had a good conversation last night that opened up my...mind,thoughts,feelings,ideas,heart,etc... adn it made me happy...i liked it and hope i wasnt the only one.when i get home i think ill talk to my mom about my tat adn tongue piercing for my bday...see how that goes over...something like that would be jsut like a lil release that would make me happy for a bit so its a possability. we shall see...i wish my phone would jsut ring right now...it wont matter who it is...i have certain ppl id rather it be but idk...just wanna hear a voice.

p.s. i kno u gave me a *hug* but it didnt fully work..im still waitnig for the real thing

yeah so i buckled down and did some homework today. ill hopefully get caught up by next week.

yeah so i had a thought tongiht..i shared it with someone..its kinda a backup plan i guess u could say..thank u for being part of it

i changed around my myspace but the stupid fucker wont let me change some stuff. it pissin me off! grr...

its 430 am...i gott wake up at 745am...hmmm...y am i still up?

i wish someone was up with me..o wait not really i dont wish this apon anyone..im in a good mood yet insomnia still haunts me..gah!!! perhaps its cause i miss u next to me..well have to see..

i guess ill go back to watching my movie..galazy quest adn watching music videos which r pretty good this early in the morning. not crap music like later in the day..later....txt me later

so ive been eating cookies and watching the cooking channel for the past........4 hrs with thoguhts and dreams of being that renissance man i always wanted to be and someday go somewhere to study cooking abroad adn learn something new adn opengin a restruant. or if not to just have that skill and be able to cook jsut for the love of making good things and ppl happy....but yeah most def wouldnt want it to be anthing like what i got now with stupid ass stir crazy, but anywho...tomorrow or today however u put it will be catch up day with school i hope. i gotta read about 12 pages. write 6 reports and an extra credit paper and try to do finicial aid so i can pass my classes and hopefully pursue my schooling and not have to stop after all i put into it cause of lack of money...but yeah we shall see how that goes. im sleeping in hardcore tho i kno that.


ummmm yaah special entry just for u....if u dare to read it lol just messin but for real its there waiting for u to read.

so work was incredibly busy and i worked alone...at the end of the night i had a giant mess and the best part was i just left and when ppl were asking where i was...will told them i was in the bathroom and would be back soon and then he left so i laughed my ass off.

so jillian was my sweetheart..we went to stake and shake after work for a bite to eat..they were busyi had a turtle shake and patty melt...it was good..i had no money..i felt special cause jillian bought me dinner..the night was very pleasant..much better then i thought it would be at the beginning of the day.